Jokes Every Man Should Know Page 6
“Do you like baseball?” the older convict asks.
“Sure,” the new guy says.
“Well, every Tuesday we organize baseball teams and play a few games.”
“That’s good,” the new guy says.
“Do you like Italian food?” the older convict asks.
“Sure I do,” says the new convict.
“Every Wednesday night in the cafeteria they cook a big Italian dinner, all kinds of food,” says the older guy.
“Wow,” says the new guy.
“Let me ask you,” the older convict says. “Are you homosexual?”
“Uh, no,” the new guy says.
“Ahh,” the older convict says, “You’re not gonna like Thursdays.”
Creepy Convict Joke Alert!
In a bizarre real-life twist on prison jokes, in 2007 Texas death row convict Patrick Knight announced he wanted his final words to be a great joke. He solicited suggestions from outside the prison and launched a contest to be judged by other inmates. Knight said he didn’t want to disrespect the two victims he’d killed and wanted a tasteful joke, with no crude language. As entries came in, he told reporters, “Lawyer jokes are real popular.” But in the end he didn’t choose a winner or tell a joke at his execution.
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a street corner where two Americans are standing.
“Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two guys just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes español?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language . . .”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and that didn’t do him any good!”
An engaged couple dies and goes to heaven.
They ask St. Peter, “Are there weddings in heaven?”
Peter tells them he’ll get back to them. Six months go by, and then a year. Finally, after two years, they get a call from St. Peter asking if they still want to get married. They say yes, and they are married. A marriage made in heaven!
It isn’t long, though, before they realize they weren’t meant for each other. So they ask St. Peter if there is such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter responds, “It took us two years to get a priest up here. How long do you think it will take us to get a lawyer?!”
Three freshmen meet for the first time in their college dorm and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.
The first one says, “My family has been in America for more than two hundred years. My father is CEO of the biggest bank in New York, and he gave me a new BMW to drive around campus.”
The second one says, “That’s nice.”
The third one says, “My father is one of the biggest donors to this school. He gave so much money that the building where they teach mathematics is named after me.”
The second one says, “That’s nice.”
Then the two rich kids ask the second guy what his father gave him.
“We didn’t have a lot of money, but he gave me some very good advice,” the second kid says. “He always told me to say ‘That’s nice’ instead of ‘Go fuck yourself.’”
The king of Sweden is out hunting for moose in the woods with one of his attendants. As they look around, they suddenly spot another man in the clearing ahead.
The king raises his rifle.
The man shouts, “I’m not a moose!”
The king fires and kills the man.
Stunned, the attendant says to the king, “Sire, he said, ‘I’m not a moose.’”
“Oh!” the king says. “I thought he said, ‘I am a moose.’”
International Humor Alert!
This jokes comes from Finland, where the king of Sweden is not terribly popular. Feel free to substitute the political leader of your choice.
A traveling salesman is out in the country and forced to ask a local farmer if he can stay at his farm overnight. The farmer says sure, but explains that he’ll have to sleep in the barn. The salesman agrees.
In the morning, the farmer comes to wake up the salesman and asks how he slept.
“I slept fine,” says the salesman. “And I was able to talk to all the animals in your barn last night.”
“Oh really?” the farmer says.
“Yeah. I talked to the hens, and they said you collect their eggs every morning at five o’clock.”
“Well, that’s true,” the farmer says.
“I talked to the old horse, and he said his name is Otis and you’ve owned him for ten years,” the salesman says.
“Wow, how did you do that? That’s amazing,” the farmer says.
“I talked to the cows, and they said you milk them every morning at six,” the salesman says.
“That’s right, I do,” the farmer says.
“And I talked to the sheep—”
“Those sheep are liars!” the farmer says.
Three guys arrive at the pearly gates of heaven at around the same time. St. Peter asks the first man to explain how he died.
The first guy says, “Well, I came home from work early one day, and my wife was in the bedroom putting on her clothes, and I saw a cigar burning in the ashtray. I don’t smoke cigars, so I looked out the window and saw a guy running out of the building and frantically trying to hail a cab. I was so enraged, I dragged my refrigerator from the kitchen and pushed it out the window so it would crush him. I guess the stress of that moment, and the strain of lifting the refrigerator, gave me a heart attack.”
St. Peter nods and allows the man to enter heaven. Then he asks the second man how he died.
The second guy says, “I was late for an afternoon meeting, and when I ran out of my apartment building, a refrigerator fell on me.”
St. Peter nods and allows the man to enter heaven. Then he asks the third man to explain how he died.
“Well, it’s a funny coincidence,” he says. “I was completely naked and hiding inside this refrigerator . . .”
About the Editor
Don Steinberg’s writing has appeared in the New Yorker, GQ, Harper’s, McSweeney’s, Spy, Entertainment Weekly, the New York Times, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and other publications. In 2006, he won first prize, for best column, from the Boxing Writers Association of America. He lives outside Philadelphia with his wife and two sons.