Jokes Every Man Should Know Page 5

  “Well, no, Brenda. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

  A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Cheese Sandwiches $4. Hand Jobs $10.”

  He asks the waitress, “Excuse me, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

  “Yes, I am,” she says.

  “Well, please wash your hands, because I’d like a cheese sandwich.”

  An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

  The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. The beer would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

  The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

  One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for another round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your loss.”

  The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

  “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

  A businessman flew to Las Vegas for a convention, gambled, and lost almost everything. He had nothing left but a couple dollars and a return plane ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get home.

  He went out to the front of the casino, got in a cab, and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send fare money from home. He offered up his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, and his address.

  But the cabbie said: “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out.” So the businessman had to hitchhike to the airport.

  A year later, the businessman has worked hard to make back his money. He returns to Vegas and this time, he wins big. He goes out to the front of the casino to get a cab to the airport. He looks around and, sure enough, at the back of the taxi line, there’s the same driver who refused to give him a ride.

  The businessman thinks for a moment about how he could get revenge. He gets in the first cab in the long line and asks the driver: “How much for a ride to the airport?”

  “Fifteen bucks,” comes the reply.

  “And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?”

  “What? Get outta here!” the driver shouts.

  The businessman tries each and every cab in line. He always asks the same question, and every driver has the same response.

  When he reaches his original cab driver at the back of the line, he gets in and asks, “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replies, “Fifteen bucks.” The businessman says, “OK,” and off they go.

  Then, as they drive slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gives each driver a huge grin and a thumbs-up.

  A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to address the crowd of drinkers.

  He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give five hundred American dollars to anybody in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

  The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

  “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes, and the bartender lines up ten pints of Guinness. The Irishman tears into all ten of the pints, drinking them back-to-back.

  The Texan gives the Irishman the five hundred dollars and says, “If y’all don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?”

  The Irishman replies, “I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it.”

  A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

  “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty-five.”

  “Fifty-five?” says St. Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty-two.”

  “How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

  St. Peter says: “We added up your billable hours.”

  A worker in the post office is sorting through the mail when she sees a letter addressed to “God, c/o Heaven.” She opens it up, and it’s a note from a little old lady.

  The lady says she has never asked anyone for anything in her life but desperately needs five hundred dollars to pay her heating and other bills, and she has nowhere else to turn. She hoped maybe God could send her the money.

  It’s around holiday time, so the postal worker decides to take up a collection from her colleagues. She ends up getting $450 and mails the cash to the lady.

  A few weeks later, there’s another letter addressed to God from the same old woman. The worker opens it up, and it reads:

  “Dear God, Thank you so much for the money you sent. It helped me through a difficult time, and I’m glad that I had faith. However, I received only $450. It must have been those bastards in the post office!”

  A gorilla walks into a crowded bar, and being a huge gorilla, he has no trouble getting attention from the bartender and ordering.

  “I’ll have a Cosmopolitan, please,” he says.

  The bartender figures the ape probably doesn’t know any better about drink prices, and he says, “That’ll be $12.50.”

  To make small talk while making change, the bartender says, “Hey, you know, we don’t get many gorillas coming in here ordering Cosmopolitans.”

  The gorilla says, “At $12.50, I’m not surprised.”

  A woman in a pet shop sees a beautiful parrot. A tag on the cage says $50.

  “Why so little?” she asks.

  The store manager says, “This bird used to live in a house of prostitution. It has kind of a vulgar mouth.”

  The woman decides to buy the parrot anyway. She puts its cage in her house.

  First thing the bird says is, “New house, new madam.” She is a little shocked but figures that’s not so bad. When her two daughters get home from school, the bird sees them and says, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The woman is surprised, but she figures the parrot will straighten out once it figures out who everybody is.

  A little while later, the woman’s husband, Gary, comes home from work. As he walks in the door, the bird says: “Hi Gary.”

  Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign that says, “Convert to Catholicism and Get $10.”

  One of the men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

  “Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

  After a moment, Murray decides. He strides into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

  “So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

  Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

  An eighty-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up.

  The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. I think you might live forever. How old was your father when he died?”

  The eighty-year-old says, “Did I say he was dead?”

  The doctor is shocked. He asks, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

  The eighty-year-old responds again, “Did I say he was dead?”

  The doctor is astonished. He says, “You mean to tell me you are eighty years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive?”

  “Not only that,” says the old man, “my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week
he is getting married for the first time.”

  The doctor says: “After 126 years of being a bachelor, why on earth does your grandfather want to get married?”

  The old man looks up at the doctor and says, “Did I say he wanted to?”

  Old Guys Bonus Joke!

  Every Saturday night, two elderly couples go out to dinner. The men sit in front of the car. Mort says to Harry, “Where should we go tonight?”

  Harry says, “How about that place we went about a month ago. The Italian place with the great lasagna.”

  Mort says, “I don’t remember it.”

  Harry says, “The place with the veal.”

  Mort says, “I don’t remember. What’s the name of the place?”

  Harry can’t remember. “A flower. Gimme a flower.”

  “Tulip?” Mort says.

  “No, no. A different flower.”

  “Magnolia?”

  “No, no. A basic flower.”

  “Rose?”

  “That’s it!” Harry turns to the back seat.

  “Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?”

  SIX LIGHTBULB JOKES

  There’s really no good reason for a thinking person to break out the light-bulb jokes unprovoked. Usually it’s best to leave them untouched. But inevitably, there will be a place and time when somebody will start them up. At that point you can’t just stand there like a statue. You need a few brilliant lightbulb jokes in your arsenal, if for no other reason than to help put the topic to rest.

  Q: How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take change a lightbulb?

  A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis—I mean ladder.

  Q: How many technical support people does it take to change a lightbulb?

  A: Have you tried switching it off and on again?

  Q: How many Harvard graduates does it take to turn a lightbulb?

  A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb, and the whole world revolves around him.

  Q: How many gang-murder witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb?

  A: I didn’t see any lightbulb.

  Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

  A: A tree in a golden forest.

  Q: How many conservatives [or folk singers] does it take to change a lightbulb?

  A: Two. One to change the bulb, one to bask in the twilight of the previous bulb.

  At his annual checkup, a man is told that he has contracted a deadly disease and has only twelve hours to live. His only consolation is that it’s not contagious.

  When he gets home, he tells his wife the awful news. She is devastated and says, “Honey, let’s make love tonight. It will be the night of your life.”

  They make love with a passion, and it’s amazing, and they kiss and go to sleep. A little while later he wakes her up and says, “How about we do it again?” They make love again, and it’s even better and more bittersweet. They are exhausted.

  Sensing the end approaching, the husband asks, “Hey, how about just one more time?”

  “That’s easy for you to say,” the wife says. “You don’t have to get up in the morning.”

  “Easy for You to Say” Bonus Joke!

  There’s another joke that ends pretty much the same way. A prisoner is going to be executed by firing squad. In the morning, some soldiers come to get him and begin to march him toward the field where he will be shot. They go at least a mile down a dirt road, then through some woods, and they start walking across a large open field. Suddenly it starts raining, and a huge storm hits.

  “Well, I guess this is just about over,” the prisoner says. “That’s easy for you to say,” one of the soldiers says. “You don’t have to march back.”

  Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the pearly gates of heaven.

  One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

  The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

  The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

  St. Peter replies, “You may enter,” he says. “You can stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

  Two cars get into an accident on a quiet road at around midnight. It’s a pretty big crash. Both cars are messed up, and debris is everywhere.

  But the drivers, a man and a woman, are able to walk away. They sit down on the curb. They each make sure the other is okay and start exchanging insurance information.

  While they are writing down the details, the woman notices that a bottle of scotch from her back seat has landed unscathed in the road in front of them. She grabs the bottle and says, “Hey, it’s a good thing we’re alive. How about a little drink to settle our nerves?”

  The guy says sure. He grabs the bottle, takes a gulp, and hands it back to her. She puts it down without taking a sip.

  He says, “Aren’t you going to have a drink, too?”

  She says, “I thought I’d wait for the police to get here.”

  A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.

  “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent.

  “Okay, Sport,” the guy says to the dog, “What’s on the top of a house?”

  “Roof!” the dog replies.

  “Oh, jeez, come on . . .” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof.’”

  “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”

  “Rough!” the dog answers.

  The talent agent gives a condescending, blank stare. He is losing his patience.

  “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog, “Who, in your opinion, is the greatest baseball player of all time?”

  “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

  And the dog turns to the guy and says, “Maybe I shoulda said Derek Jeter?”

  Talking Dog Bonus Joke!

  A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

  “Talking Dog for Sale.”

  He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. A mutt is sitting there.

  “You talk?” he asks the dog.

  “Yep,” the mutt replies.

  “Wow, how does that work?”

  The dog says: “Well, I discovered I could speak as a puppy. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA, and they sent me around the world, sitting in rooms with world leaders. I was their most valuable spy for 12 years. After that I got a job at the airport. We thwarted at least one terrorist plot. Now I’m pretty much retired.” The guy is amazed. He asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

  The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

  The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

  The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”

  A college physics professor is explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupts him.

  “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the student asks.

  “To save lives,” the professor responds before continuing the lecture.

  A few minutes later the student speaks up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

  The professor stares at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally he continues. “Physics saves lives,” he says, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

  A guy is just getting back from a long business trip out of the country. He’d left his cat with his brother. As soon as he’s back at the airport, he calls his brother and asks about the cat.

  “The cat’s dead,” the brother says.

  The guy is devastated. “Hey, that cat meant a lot to me. Don’t you know any better than to break
bad news like that? Jeez. You ought to say, ‘Well, the cat got out on the roof, and the fire department came. They put up the ladder, but the cat was afraid to let go. It was cold outside, and finally when they were able to get up there the cat had passed away from exposure.’ You know, break it gently.”

  “Man, I’m sorry,” the brother says. “I’ll do a better job next time.”

  “Okay. Anyway, what’s really important is family. How have you been all this time? How’s Mom?”

  “Well,” the brother says. “Mom got out on the roof . . .@ “

  Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.

  At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each said they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me your bids.”

  First, the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring, and said, “I figure the job will run about nine hundred dollars—four hundred for materials, four hundred for my crew, and one hundred dollars profit for me.”

  Next, the Missouri contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations, and said, “Looks like I can do this job for seven hundred dollars— three hundred for materials, three hundred for my crew, and one hundred dollars profit for me.”

  Finally, the guard asked the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, he said, “Twenty-seven hundred dollars.”

  The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

  “Easy,” said the contractor from New York. “One thousand dollars for me, one thousand dollars for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

  It’s a convict’s first day in prison and he’s terrified and crying. An older convict comes up to him and says, “Hey, prison’s not such a bad place. For instance, do you like movies?”

  And he goes, “Yeah, I like movies.”

  “Well,” the older guy says, “Every Monday they show a great movie in the rec room.”

  “Wow, that’s good,” the new guy says.