Jokes Every Man Should Know Read online

  St. Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.

  “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks. “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”

  Optional Topper Bonus!

  The ball is in the hole. St. Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Don’t fuck around,” he says. “This is for money.”

  Mother Teresa goes to heaven, and of course she is immediately able to meet with God. He asks her if she’s hungry, and she says yes, so he opens up a can of tuna fish, takes some bread, and makes sandwiches.

  While they are eating, through cracks in the floor, she sees what appears to be Hell. There are flames everywhere, and horrible beasts, but the people down there are eating steaks and lobsters and having crème brûlée for dessert. For days, the same thing happens. She keeps seeing the people in Hell eating gourmet foods all day, but when she meets with God, he just opens up a can of tuna fish.

  “God, it’s not that I’m complaining,” she says. “I’m grateful for everything I’ve been given. But I can’t help but wonder, why are they eating all that lavish food down there, and we are just having tuna sandwiches?”

  “Well,” God says. “With just the two of us up here, I figure, why cook?”

  Usage Alert!

  This can be a powerful joke to tell to parents of children who have grown up and left home. The ending is a complete surprise. It’s only a little bit irreverent, casting God as a cheapskate making sandwiches, but it’s actually pretty pious, if you consider that it has nearly everyone going to Hell.

  A retired Jewish man is walking on the beach when he sees a bottle in the sand. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

  The man says, “Ah, peace in the Middle East, that’s my wish.”

  The genie looks concerned, then says, “I’m sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?”

  The guy thinks and says, “Well, I’ve been married for forty years, and in my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.”

  The genie pauses for another moment and then says: “How would you define peace?”

  Alternative Punch Line Alert!

  A modified version has the retired guy, as part of his initial request, showing the genie a crumpled map of the Middle East when he asks for peace. The genie’s punch line is, “Let me see that map again.”

  A man is driving his five-year-old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.

  “Douche bag!” the father yells.

  A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.

  “Your daddy just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?”

  His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douche bag.”

  A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.”

  The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?”

  The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”

  Cultural Touchstone Alert!

  Woody Allen, of course, tells this joke at the end of Annie Hall. But the joke was around before he was.

  A guy is sitting in a bar when a great-looking woman comes over to him. He’s really excited, but it immediately becomes clear that she is a hooker.

  She says, “Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here’s how it works. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words.”

  The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, “Paint my house.”

  Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whoever dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

  After many years, Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, so he figures there is no afterlife.

  Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv.

  “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks.

  “Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.”

  “Oh, my god,” says Sid. “So that’s what heaven is like?”

  “No, I’m not in heaven,” says Irv. “I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”

  Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig.

  They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other—they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

  “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

  “Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl.

  Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “Forty-four!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets.

  “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?”

  “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it . . .”

  Alternative Version Alert!

  In a different version of this one, the comics chuckle mildly at the first few numbers, but when one guy says “147” they crack up loudly. Someone at the back of the bar overhears and asks why. They say: “We never heard that one before.”

  An older guy goes to the doctor’s office to ask about getting a prescription for Viagra.

  He’s in the waiting room when the woman at the reception desk calls his name and says, for everyone to hear, “Mr. Frazier. You’re here to see the doctor about your impotence, right?”

  The guy is mortified.

  “No,” he says, just as loudly. “I’m looking into getting a sex change operation, and I was hoping to get the same doctor who did yours.”

  Retaliation-for-Embarrassment Bonus Joke!

  A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

  She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

  After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.

  I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

  To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, two hundred dollars?”

  A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.

  “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars’ worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a hundred-dollar bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two hundred-dollar bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: Should you or should you not tell your partner?”

  Suspicious Partner Bonus Joke!

  Two business partners are having lunch. One suddenly bolts up. “I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe.” “What are you worried about?” the other asks. “We’re both here.”

  An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral.

  “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit,” she says to the mortician.

  The mortician says, “We’ll take care of it, ma’am” and yells back, “Yo, Ed! Switch the heads on two and four!”

  Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

  “I’ll go into town for a
doctor,” the other guy says.

  He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor. The doctor is delivering a baby at the time.

  “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”

  The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.

  “He says you’re gonna die.”

  Alternative Version Alert!

  In a slightly saltier version, a woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam. After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: “Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don’t do the following three things, he will surely die. First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner, and don’t burden him with household chores. Third, have sex with him several times a week.” On the way home, the husband asks the wife, “I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?” Wife: “He says you’re gonna die.”

  TEN JOKES FOR ROASTS AND TOASTS

  Every man’s repertoire should include a stash of toast or roast zingers, lines that can be uttered in public situations to honor, gently tease, and completely disgrace dear friends, colleagues, and superiors. Here are ten handpicked lines, presented in order, from mild and respectful to barely acceptable.

  I could go on about what a great man [Joe] is, how much he has accomplished in our field, how selflessly he helps others, how good he is to his family. But this is neither the time nor the place . . .

  What can you say about [Joe] that hasn’t been said about taller, more handsome men?

  [Joe] is afraid nobody will remember him when he’s gone. Well, I can think of several reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I can think of them.

  There are so many things you can say about [Joe]. That he’s kind, generous, smart. They’d all be lies. But you can say them.

  What can you say about a man who [insert Joe’s dubious achievement here] except: “What the hell were you thinking?”

  [Joe] certainly isn’t two faced. Otherwise, why would he be wearing that one?

  There’s no middle ground with [Joe]. You either hate him or detest him.

  There’s something not many people know about [Joe]. He was born as Siamese twins, joined at the penis. The operation to separate them was very difficult. They had to bring in specialists from all over the world, and unfortunately both of the twins died. But the prick lived!

  [Joe] is one hell of a guy, extremely generous. The other day he went into town and got two blowjobs, and came back and gave me one.

  If it’s true that you are what you eat, then [Joe] is definitely one of the biggest dicks in our business.

  Two guys are out fishing on a lake.

  The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

  “Turn the lake into beer!” he says.

  The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer.

  He says to the other guy, “Hey, buddy, what do you think of that?”

  The other guy says, “You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

  It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

  “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

  “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?”

  The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t attended together since we were married.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Couldn’t you find someone else to take her seat? A friend or a relative? Even a neighbor?”

  The man shakes his head. “They’re all at the funeral.”

  Alternative Version Alert!

  Gus and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. Gus is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows in prayer. His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” Gus replies, “Yeah, well, we were married thirty-five years.”

  A guy is in the grocery store when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He’s taken aback and can’t place her.

  “Do I know you?” he asks.

  “I think you’re the father of one of my kids,” she says.

  He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

  “Wow,” he says. “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who tied me down on the pool table, and did it with me, with all my buddies cheering, while your friend sprayed whipped cream on my butt? Boy, that was insane.”

  “No,” she says. “I think I’m your son’s math teacher.”

  A guy has a parrot with a bad attitude and a profane vocabulary. Every other word the bird says is obscene. He tries hard to change the bird’s attitude. He says polite words, plays soft music, does anything to set a good example. Nothing works. He yells at the bird, and the cussing gets worse. He shakes the bird, and it gets angrier and ruder.

  Finally, in desperation, he opens up the freezer and throws the parrot inside. For a few moments there is squawking, kicking, and screaming—and then silence.

  After a few minutes, the man is afraid that he’s accidentally killed the parrot. So he opens up the freezer.

  The parrot flies out onto his arm and says: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”

  “It’s okay,” the man says. “I forgive you.”

  “Thank you,” the parrot says. “Now may I ask what the chicken did?”

  A guy in a bar says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you two hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the bar, and I’ll step back three feet, and piss into the glass—and not one drop will get anywhere else but in the glass.”

  The bartender says, “That’s crazy. Nobody can do that. I’ll take that bet.”

  So the bartender sets up the shot glass, and the guy steps back and unzips his pants and starts peeing. It barely hits the glass, goes all over the bar, all over the floor.

  The bartender shakes his head and says, “Ha! Give me the two hundred bucks.”

  The guy says, “Okay, hang on.”

  He goes to the back of the bar where an old man gives him a pile of cash, then he comes back and pays the bartender.

  The bartender asks, “What was that all about?”

  The guy says: “I’d bet that old man five hundred dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you’d laugh.”

  Cultural Touchstone Alert!

  In the 1995 movie Desperado, written and directed by Robert Rodriguez, the wise-guy character played by Quentin

  Tarantino tells this old joke to a bartender, played by Cheech Marin. Cheech pulls out a gun and shoots the guy next to Tarantino.

  Two old Jewish guys find out that Hitler is going to be on a street corner in Berlin at noon on Tuesday. So they assemble some weapons, stake out a hidden spot across the street, and wait. They are going to kill Hitler!

  At 11:55, they are ready! Fingers on their triggers, they wait. Noon arrives, but no Hitler yet.

  Five past twelve arrives; still no Hitler. They wait and wait.

  Twelve-ten comes and goes, then twelve-fifteen.

  One of the guys turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope he’s all right.�
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  A guy is in a theater watching a movie when he realizes that, sitting in the two seats next to him, are a guy and the guy’s dog. The dog really seems to be enjoying the movie. He smiles at the funny lines and growls at the bad guy.

  The first guy whispers to the man with the dog, “Excuse me. The way your dog is getting into the movie, that’s amazing!”

  The dog owner says: “It surprises me, too. He hated the book.”

  WHERE DO JOKES COME FROM?

  There are stand-up comedy observations and one-liners by comedians such as Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Rodney Dangerfield, Ellen Degeneres, and Steven Wright. The list goes on. I don’t have to name names.

  And then there are the story jokes in this book. A guy walks into a bar. Two lawyers go to heaven. Three hookers are golfing with God. Where do these come from? For the most part, nobody knows. They have become part of what Jung might call our collective unconscious, or what a librarian might call the shelf in the back for idiots. Once upon a time, people wrote and refined each of the jokes in this book, and all the others that are not. There must have been a time, years ago, when chickens crossing roads were considered hilarious. Maybe, back when doors first became widely used, the set-up of “knock knock— who’s there?” was a complete riot.

  But it is weird that, with a couple exceptions, the jokes in here just seem to have always existed. There’s a 1956 short story called “The Jokester,” written by Isaac Asimov, that tries to explain this phenomenon. Asimov had massive, hilarious muttonchops, and he quite possibly wrote more books than anybody else on Earth. It’s believed that only the word “the” appears on more book covers than his name. At least two of his books were massive compilations of mediocre jokes, and dozens of his other books were science-fiction stories.

  Asimov combined his passions in “The Jokester,” where he envisions a futuristic twenty-first-century world that is run by a single ten-mile-long computer called Multivac. Only twelve people in the world, so-called Grand Masters, are able to communicate directly with the computer.